September 19, 2011

Sleepless Nights

I wake up at 5:15AM but yet it's 10:45PM and I can't seem to go fall asleep...I can't seem to shut my brain off.  It is nights like these that when I am lying down my thoughts wonder and usually to my pregnancies and why I can't be a Mom already and how I came so close and how that hurts and how I don't understand why any woman has to feel this hurt or go thru the pain of Infertility and I find myself not just crying for me but crying for the Mothers who lost their little ones way to soon. My heart breaks not only for my own babies but for anyone who is having to live with the pain of infertility and loss. Hands down no contest this whole infertility and mulitiple pregnancy loss is the MOST difficult thing I have had to face in my life. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
 When I start thinking about when we should try agian... I almost feel defeated already like what's the point I will either not get pregnant or get pregnant just to have a loss again!  but even when I start to feel like that my mind reminds me of the feelings I felt when Heavenly Father gave me a tender mercy and reminded me of his love for me. Then  I think of how there is oposition in all things so If I can feel this amount of pain that just means that there will be that much more amount of Joy....or at least thats what gives me hope. Hope that when my Sunday comes It can heal my heart fully and maybe just maybe help me forget some of this pain.  I'm holding on to the  Hope for better things to come.

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