Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day

October 15th another reason I love October so much! 

A day that shines light on so many who silently mourn for their sweet angels. This is my second October 15th in which I have had the amazing oppurtunity to finally hold my sweet miracle in my arms. Last year I was extremely emotional (4 weeks postpartum) and my heart was just over joyed to have Kensley in my arms! This year I reflected a lot more on the past years between the TTC and only seeing that negative line month after month after month to the year I finally saw my positive line only to have my baby die in my womb, and then 7 months later get another positive to only again have tradgedy strike again and right before we moved hundreds of miles away from my family and friends. And then on a cold day in January 2012 another miracle a BFP and this time for some amazing reason this baby stayed with me after a high risk pregnancy bleeding early on and GD she was born healthy. She was our Rainbow and has brought so much peace into our hearts and joy in our lives. Not that we didn't have joy before because we did but this was a different kind of joy and I felt so blessed and so lucky to be her Mom. And every time she says Mama our how my heart smiles. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would get a second miracle. I didn't allow myself to hope so deep. If I only had her then okay at least I have her. But i figured it would be another 5 years before such miracle would happen. But in the middle of our crazy life and my body getting back to "normal" We got another miracle! I am so excited and thrilled that Kensley is going to have a little sister. My heart still aches for the babies I didn't get to hold and the heart break we went through but I know with out a shadow of doubt that because of my experience and the things we have had to endure and overcome that we are better parents and more compassionate towards others who are fighting the fight to make their dreams come true that comes so easily for others yet so dang difficult for some! 

So tonight I lit 3 candles 1 for each of  my angel babies and 1 for a sweet friend who's son returned to heaven way to young this year and I kissed my Rainbow baby a little bit more today and held her just a little bit longer tonight. Because I know I'm one of the lucky ones who still has her little one here on Earth. To all who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss my heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry for the pain you have had to endure. God Bless you all.

Beautiful Heartbreak

If you have yet to see this video by Hilary Weeks Beautiful Heartbreak here is your chance.




seriously so beautiful! I love this song and the video captures it perfectly!  Read the lyrics . I love Hilary Weeks her music has always spoken to my soul and this song is no different!  One of my favorite parts is

"I used to pray he'd take it all away,
 But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground. "


I am so grateful to be where I am today and for all the miracles Heaven has shown me especially this little huge miracle thats living inside of me. 13 weeks and couldn't be more happier.

(don't mind the dirty bathroom and mirror)

Morning Sickness...say what?

I'm pretty sure the person who named it "morning" sickness was a guy. I think it sould just be called Pregnancy sickness because it happens all day long! lol Its been great I have been very happy that i'm getting sick its a really good sign plus its a reminder to me that I have an amazing miracle baby in me and that makes it all worth wild.  yesterday was the first day I threw my guts up and it was awesome! i had my morning shake of spinach, strawberries, and blueberries and for some reason my body didn't  want it in my tummy very long totally threw it all up! plus throwing up a shake isn't that bad so i'm glad thats what i ate! plus lately i've just been neaseous all day long pretty much and after throwing up i had like 2 hours of not feeling neaseous so it was AMAZING! I feel like a little kid at church with my "snacks" aka keep my tummy feeling okay crackers and what not. this pregnancy hasn't even come close to being the same as last time. I think its cause its a healthy pregnancy and plus i am further along than i was before too. so tomorrow I have my first ultrasound and I'm soooooo freaking excited for it. Almost feeling like I'm dreaming like it hasn't hit me that tomorrow I'm gonna see my little baby and hear his or her heartbeat I have no idea how thats gonna be but I hear its one of the best feelings ever so I'm super excited! especially since the last time I had an ultrasound to check on the baby my uterus was completly empty and they confirmed my complete miscarriage so its gonna be awesome to see something! and HEAR something too!! 

Not a day goes by that I don't feel like I really have to enjoy every moment even the neaseous and throwing up because I know there are so many wonderful women who would do anything to be in my situation and I know this because I use to be one of those women who would give their right arm to feel "morning sickness" or feel gross because theres a baby inside of you not because you have the flu or anything. I am very grateful for my little big miracle and I refuse to complain about it because I just can't its just to wonderful and i've waited so long for it. I pray everyday for couples to get their miracle and to get it SOON!

1,250 Days...

Thats how many day's I have waited for this 1,250....

That is 29,976 hours I have waited for this....

That is 3 Years 5 Months and 3 Days I've waited for this...

On July 4th 2011 I woke up like any other day we watched the hot dog contest we watched the patriot and national tresure we ate yummy BBQ!! and then right be fore we went out side to the fireworks I thought maybe I should take a test didn't think much of it and didn't even tell Lance cause I was thinking it wasn't a big deal it would come back neg. or it was to early for anything anyways but i ran back to the bathroom to look at the test before we went outside and to my surprise it had 2 Lines!! 2 LINES!!! I couldn't believe it so i grab a flashlight because out lights were all out for the fireworks we were gonna watch in our backyard Lance came in to grab the camera and I told him I had something to show him I shined the flashlight on the test and Lance said what is that!? " what does it look like?" i said. " i don't know it kinda looks like a test but i've never seen one like that before" ( it was a strip so not a pee on the stick one) i said do you see the two lines? he said yeah when did you take this test? i said tonight! he was so suprise one because i usally tell him when i'm taking a test and 2 i didn't tell him this time and it was early and it was POSITIVE!!!we hugged and cried a little and then watched the most beautiful fireworks display! it was the best 4th of July EVER!! later that week i got a first response test and on my missed period it came back with another BFP!!! for anyone who has followed my blog you know this isn't the first positive i have gotten last novemeber i got one too...and this month I would have been due to have the baby but in stead the Lord blessed me with another one on its way! I have been so blessed! I have been using progestrone cream and acupuncture and I believe 100% that is how i was able to get preggers. i have kept using progestrone cream to help keep the pregnancy strong and healthy and so far i have been pregnant longer than last time and have no reason why this pregnancy won't go full term....The Doctors are hopeful and we are too! I just want to let you all know i still pray every night for those friends and family that are still suffering with Infertility and I pray your miracle day will come SO SO SO SO SOON!!









3.2012 I can't wait to see you baby!!