Be in the moment

It's nice to be present in the moment in which you know it will be your last. 

Emily is officially not nursing it's been just over a week and it was a morning nursing session and I knew in that moment it would be out last. Tears were in full spring because all I could think was I just lost my baby ( miscarriage) and now I'm losing my baby. We won't have that moment again but I soaked it up and kissed her head and held her as she slept in my arms and thought I wish a picture could capture the emotion I am feeling. Kensley self weaned so it was a total new expirence. I feel so lucky to have had the chance to nurse her for 19 months. I didn't take a picture of our last session but I took this one because I knew I was going to be weaning her soon. I'm glad I took it! 

She is such a beauty and I can't believe how fast she is growing! Love you so much miss Emily! 

Painting adventures

So today we went to the store to pick up some kids crafts/ activity things. Got home and made lunch and Emily went down for nap very easy!!! Which was a miracle! And me and Kensley got our paint on!! She had a blast and it was so fun to see her enjoy it! 

Watch out world we got an artist in out mist! She's good. 

One year older and wiser too...

It amazes me that 3 years ago today I was in a hospital in Dallas bringing my sweet rainbow Baby earth side! I can still remember the peace and joy I felt as lance placed her in my arms with tears in his eyes. It was a long wait to get her but oh how she has been worth it! She has always had a very tender spirit about her a very curious little girl for sure!  She has loves getting into things and finding new things and she's such a happy baby! She has always been a great sleeper a great tether she's feisty and energetic and loves girly things. She LOVES her DADDy! Seriously loves him!!! Ever since Emily was born Lance has taken the role of getting up with Kensley ( cause Emily sucks at sleeping lol) and he puts Kensley to bed and this week he was sick so I needed to and she was so not happy about me laying down by her instead of her DADA! Watching there relationship over the last 3 years has been such a precious thing. Because as much as she LOVES her Daddy, Her Daddy LOvES her more! I'm so excited to see what the next year brings and how K grows and learns! I'm so blessed and feel so lucky to be her Mom. Never in my life have I felt so comfortable in a role as I have with taking on Motherhood. I'm not the perfect mom but by golly no other woman could love my Kensley more than me! ( I say woman cause well her daddy loves her too)  so Kensley Happy Birthday my precious daughter!

Butterflies and Tender Mercies

Ever since my sweet Aunt Judy passed away in February of 2012 I have seen more butterflies and in the most strange ways and places. In texas we use to go on walks me and my little one Kensley and we would seriously see 10 just flying around us during the walk. In our backyard one came and landed on me and stayed a little while and when we go grocery shopping I have seen them in the parking lot. My aunt loved butterflies and I know it's her way of telling me she is closer than I think and that she's aware of me. Well FRIDAY was our ultrasound to determine if this pregnancy was going to last and if we would hear a heartbeat. As I was sitting in the waiting room a huge black beautiful butterfly was flying by the windows and just fluttered outside for a long while and I knew it was Aunt Judy letting me know she was there and that everything was going to be okay it is what it is. And my heart knew that the news I was going to receive wouldn't be good news. But I felt at peace. Sure enough the ultrasound was done and bless the ultrasound tech heart she saw the tears in my eyes and said I'm sorry I can't say anything until I talk to the midwife and I already knew that and knew from my past that baby didn't grow and there was no heartbeat I didn't have to have the midwife tell me what I already knew and every so often my emotions get the best of me and I cry but then I put myself back to the waiting room where I saw the butterfly and felt that beautiful  peaceful feeling and then I'm better. I know the Lord has given me many tender mercies throughout all of this and I'm so grateful for them! 

Faith in the Lord's Timing

It's no surprise I'm very open with my blog. I have blogged about my highs and my lows our infertility struggles our miracles. So here is another raw blog about us. It's a novel so bare with me if you want.

July of this year we were pleasantly surprised to find out I was pregnant. I was a little nervous because our sweet Emily (19 months) has yet to sleep through the night. However Lances Grandma did energy work on her and no joke she has been sleeping 5-6 hour stretches! Amazing! So I was feeling a lot better about it. I found a midwife and our due date April 1st 2016! Which made us laugh! We had our first ultrasound beginning of August and found out our due date and ultrasound dates were off I wasn't as far along as we thought so repeat ultrasound in a week ( My heart knew this wasn't going to be a healthy pregnancy) so at the next ultrasound no baby was seen but growth and a yok sac was there then hcg levels were drawn and repeat ultrasound finally a baby was found! No heat beat but levels were rising on the low side.. So another Repeat ultrasound no heart beat again and no growth. Which means I was going to miscarry again for the third time I know many woman who have had more than that and it doesn't get any easier getting that news. My midwife gave me two weeks to see if my body would naturally start the process of aborting. so the waiting game began and that same day we left for holbrook for my nieces baby blessing. I figured after Labor Day weekend I would look into taking blue cohosh. Well my body had other plans Saturday it started and by Monday "Labor Day" I woke up at 4am with contractions  hard painful ones and so it began. First off my in laws are amazing and I feel so blessed to have them. It wasn't the ideal situation but they watched my kids and my girls were playing with cousins and I was able to take it easy and Lance was a trooper seriously I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him. He was such a help to me even in the grossest of times and always treated me with tenderness and understanding and love. He truely is beyond amazing and wonderful and I am so glad he and I get to walk through this life together hand in hand. I don't understand Heavenly Fathers Timing.. I don't know why I had to lose two babies before getting my sweet Kensley and then Emily but I know I grew so much and learned so much about myself and my relationship with my husband and my savior. I don't know why I got pregnant when we were preventing for it only to end in losing that baby. But I don't need to know right now because the past has taught me that one I will survive this and dwelling on the questions I can't get answers for only lead me to bitterness and depression and that's just not me. I have been down that road and I don't like it at all. Life is too short for me to go into that long lonely road so I chose light. And love. Two I know with out a doubt the Lord is looking out for me and is  aware of me and my sweet family. I know we go through hard times so that it can help us to grow and be a better version of ourselves. So even though I would never choose this trial/test it is what it is. This already is a novel and if you are reading this still you're amazing I just wanted to get this out. I'm not one to keep things secret or not share what's going on with me. So for all who are still reading and going through a hard time in the words of elder Holland  'Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.' 

8 years with the love of my life!

8 years today I married my best friend!  Never in my wildest dreams could I ever imagine a love like ours. I knew the moment I saw The cute guy every one was calling lance that I was gonna marry him and since that moment my life will never be the same. He has been the greatest husband I ever could have asked for and more! He has held me countless nights as I sobbed over the loss of our two babies and has made me laugh so hard I didn't know it was possible to laugh that hard. He has been there as my greatest Birthing coach during labor with Kensley and Emily I have held him as he wept for a family member. We have been by each others side from day one and he is not only a great husband to me but a wonderful father to his daughters! I still remember the look on his face when he handed Kensley to me for the first time with tears in his eyes and joy in his heart. Everyday with him is amazing even if that amazing is a hard day or rough or there was a miscommunication somewhere I wouldn't trade any of our days together for the world! I am so excited I get to be with him for eternity! Lance you still make my heart skip a beat! I love you. Always have always will! 

Life is beautiful

I can't believe it's already Mothers Day 2015!!  It's my 3rd Mother's Day where I have had the privilege of having my babies here to hold. I am still amazed I am a Mom and that I have 2 beautiful daughters! I am so grateful to be their mom. I never knew how much you could love someone and then I married my Husband and I thought wow I never knew I could love someone this much! And then I finally got pregnant after 3 years of trying and I loved that baby so much and then miscarried and I never knew you could love someone so much without meeting them and finally after 5 years I got to hold my healthy perfect newborn daughter in my arms and the love I instantly had for her was overwhelming! I never believed in love at first sight until her! And then when I held my beautiful second miracle baby in my arms at the hospital I was so amazed how much more love I had in me to give to not just this newborn but to her big sister and to her Daddy. 

I'm not going to lie this last year has been rough and has tested me and my patience and sanity and I haven't be very graceful at times with dealing with sleep deprivation and adjusting to two babies and having my husband finish his last year of school and boards and graduation and moving back home but I think because of this hard times it's made the good times that much sweeter and those hard nights of no sleep have made me appreciate not just my mother but all mothers! It's a hard role being a Mother but the rewards are far greater than anything I have ever known! I absolutely positively love and adore being A Mom. I hope this next year I can grow and be a little better each day I hope I can remember to stay in the moment more and live each day more fuller. I only have my daughters for a few years before they grow up move out get married and hopefully have a family of their own and I don't want to miss these sweet years while I'm still their favorite person who makes everything better:). Thank you Kensley thank you Emily for making me a Mom here on Earth:) I love you more than you will ever know!

Girls just wanna have fun!

I feel so bad for lance sometimes because he is so out numbered with a wife 2 daughters a dog that's female he is completely emerged in anything pink, glittery, flowering, girly and frilly but he has embraced it so well! It's amazing to me to see the difference a daughter makes on their daddy's! I saw the change in my brother when my niece Madi was born and then when my brother in law welcomed my niece Marlee   And each time I have seen Lance hold our fresh out of heaven daughters I can't explain it in words really but It amazes me and I love it!! I'm very blessed to have married one of the great ones! He is truly amazing and makes me laugh like no one else can! Our girls are so lucky to call him daddy!! 

Oh the places you'll go

It's 1am in the morning and I'm sitting in my rocking chair with my beautiful 9 month old Emily sleeping in my arms it's the second time I have been up with her and if history repeats it self then it won't be the last in fact I will probably get another 2 or 3 chances to sit in the chair and hold her and some nights I am in tears exhausted wishing I could sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and some nights I blog and some nights I just FB stalk my friends and some nights I just bring her in bed next to me. (Except now I'm scared to do that since she fell off the other week...yeah I felt like the worst mom ever!) She us fine but now I'm back to the rocker and tonight it's cold and I have a lot on my mind. Which I'm sure many woman can relate to.

The last two weeks my husband has been studing for his last round of boards and this last weekend he took them! It was very long days of not seeing him and trying to keep up with a very energetic 2 year old and a I don't like to sleep much 9 month old. I was extremely nervous about these weeks to come and many times a day I found myself in my room door shut kneeling in prayer mainly for strength and patience. I am still amazed by how much my Father in Heaven is awear of me and my needs. Emily was sleeping better the weather was beautiful and made outdoor adventures/walks fun and angels dressed up like friends visited me, called, texted, and or hang out with me. I knew the only way I could survive these two weeks was if I started my week right...so I loaded the girls up for church and I'm greatful for the members and all their support and willingness to help me :) it truely takes a village! And we survived! The Lord answered my prayers!

 It's been a hard adjustment having two so close and one who doesn't like to sleep unless it's in my arms or right next to me but I know I wouldn't have it any other way. These precious girls bring so much joy into our home. The hard days much the good days that much better and I am so blessed to be their Mommy. Tonight I was putting K down for bed laying next to hear and she whispers "mama...mommy..." I whispered "what" back and she said 'I ove eww' and my heart just filled up with love and peace and joy and I kissed her forehead and said ' I love you too'  she then preceded to say mommy mama several times and state jibberish but it was super cute and I remember thinking Brittany take a mental note of this don't forget it. So hear I am it's 1:30 in the morning I'm holding my sweet 9 month old in my rocking chair blogging about her and her sister and how I know my Heavenly Father loves me. Life is busy and hard but it is so Beautiful!

Happy birthday Kensley!

September 12, 2012 a day I will never forget and always remember like it was yesterday little Miss K was born! Our sweet Rainbow baby turned 2!! How is that even possible!!!? Where has the time gone!!? She is such a sweetheart and such a joy to have in our home! She loves baby dolls, playing with our dog Daisy, balls, dirt, playing in the rain, playing outside, loves green smoothies, sweet potatoes, eggs, avocado, carrot juice, pizza, cheese and yogurt, she loves music and dancing and loves making her sister laugh! She plays pretend and it's so cute to watch!! She loves hide and seek!! Taking walks in the stroller and pushing the stroller around the apartment! She loves phones, purses, climbing on things, drawing, coloring, and lives blowing kisses and giving hugs!:) she loves books and Storytime and loves to FaceTime family:) 

So grateful to have her as our daughter! 

Jamberry Adventure!!

After day 17

August came around and I finally decided to sign up as a consultant! I have always been hesitant to do direct sales or sign up with stuff because I honestly hate pyramid schemes and I'm not good at 'selling' stuff to people. But I absulutely  fell  in love with Jamberry Nails after I went to my friends launch party in feb. Now I wish I joined then haha but I didn't which is fine I'm having great success and loving the journey of building my team and sharing Jamberry nails with others! I love that even when my make up ain't done and my hair ain't brushed at least my nails look GREAT!! :) if you haven't heard of them or tried them let me know! They are high quality vinyl nail wraps no chipping no fading non toxic and can last up to 2 weeks on fingers and up to 6 weeks on toes!!:) there's is seriously something for everyone with over 300 designs! Take a look at my own JAManicures and if you want to see all the designs check out my website! Http://jamsmcgee.jamberrynails.net 

Adventure awaits.....while Mommy is busy

This time Mommy went potty and Kensley dumped popcorn old popcorn too out and I told her to pick it up and she is but taking it outside....it's popcorn it's okay it won't smell as it decomposes in the yard right!? Plus we have tons of birds and she loves to bird watch! So I'm not stopping her maybe I should but I'm not I'm just letting her be little and well feed the birds :) the things she gets into when she knows Mommy is busy either taking laundry out/in or folding it or putting it away or nursing sister or going potty amazes me! She has like a sixth sense I tell ya. Never a dull moment with her:)

 She does how ever do a good job about putting stuff back...most of the time! :) ah man she is a blast!

Super moms cape

I'm no super mom or super woman contrary to What Lance says Because really who is? 

I have been having a challenging time with adjusting to two babies working on little to no sleep and feeling like I have to be super mom/ super woman 24/7! And I think because I keep holding my self to such a ridiculously high standard that can't be met I feel inadequate or a failure when in reality I get moments sometimes days when super mom/superwoman lends me her cape and I get a lot of stuff done and the girls are extra great and I get more sleep ect... I'm okay with borrowing her cape every now and again but I'm not expecting to wear it everyday 24/7. So today I got the girls dressed feed grocery shopped and food put away and played with k in the backyard while Em slept in her car seat all by 10:00am! I'm feeling good today still have T25 to do at Ks naptime and a chiro appointment for me and the girls this afternoon. So today this is my best but it doesn't mean tomorrow I could do what I did today or even yesterday. My best changes by day depending on a lot of factors what matters is I'm trying I'm trying to do my best and my best is going to be different than others and I'm trying to be okay with that because I'm not them and they are not me. So here's to a new day of challenges and lessons to learn and fun to be had!

Day 1 of many

I started T25 today!! Great kick in the butt! I'm trying to get healthy and be more regular with exercise after two very close pregnancies I feel frumpy and I lost a lot of tone ! Plus I feel like 25 minutes a day is do able to get a good work out and help make me feel better:) I'm in a funk and need to get out of it and I know when I'm active and eating good I feel better mentally spiritually and physically! 

Plus I want to stop fitting into my maternity clothes :) we traded our single stroller for a double with one of our friends! Yay! And went for a family walk today too! So excited to go on more walks with the girls!! Get out and get some sun! It's amazing what a little exercise can do for your soul:)  

7 year itch....

2007

2007

For the last 7 years I have been married to the love of my life and best friend. I never thought I could love him more than I did the day we got married but I do every day I fall more and more in love with him! He is the person who makes me laugh the hardest like hurt my face and stomach laughter! I am so lucky to have him as my husband, my eternal companion and best friend. We are similar in ways and very different in other ways! Even when it's like pulling teeth to get him to dance with me...he still dances with me:) he is amazing like that! When I'm down or being hard on myself he knows just what I need and some how says exactly what I need to hear. He's gentle and kind and caring and loving and funny and thoughtful and strong and smart and hot! Even after 7 years of marriage I have yet to hear him yell or raise his voice or get angry.... Even when I try to push his buttons to see if he will.....he still doesn't......I know what your thinking what kind of a wife purposely tries to get there husband mad?  Yeah not my best wife moments...I'm not perfect. :) I love that after 7 years I still think he is the hottest guy ever and I still want to spend every hour of everyday with him!! I never get tired of him or bored I have never loved someone so much! It makes my soul dance when I think of our love and what it has created. 2 angel babies and 2 earth side babies! I wouldn't change a thing in the last 7 years they have been the best years of my life...easiest no...but being the best years doesn't mean they have been perfect they have brought us closer to eachother and stronger as a couple and through all of the heartbreak and pain equal amount of happiness and peace have acured. I have never been good with words and especially when it comes to describing how much love and admiration I have for my sweet husband. I am so lucky to have found him and lucky to have him in my life and share life's moments with him. He is my everything. And I am so glad my daughters get him as their Dad cause he is awesome!!! Totally and completely awesome!!! Happy 7 year anniversary Lance! So glad we don't have the 7 year itch;) 

2008

2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

2014

Happy girls!

I don't know how or why but I have been so lucky to have such happy babies!!! Kensley was such a happy baby and even now as a toddler she is more happy than she is cranky she has her moments but overall very very happy!! 

Emily is such a happy content baby!!  And chatting!!! She is such a talker and a loud one too! I love it!! It amazes me how happy she is! I hope it lasts for their entire life! People love being around happy positive people!!

My Mom...

January 20th 19....let's not worry about the year;) was the day the world was blessed to have a beautiful princess was born this beautiful princess was named Kay and that princess grew up and found her prince Larry.. She had the strength  and courage to give birth to 5 beautiful babies 1 son 4 gdaughters. I was blessed to be 1 of those daughters born to her! Some call her Kay, sister johnston, nana Kay, grandma Kay, honey,...but I get to call her Mom. I have no idea who I would be today if I didn't have her in my life. My Mom is the greatest, most loving, do anything for her family, courageous, strong woman I have ever met. She has had so much heartbreak in her life that would cause anyone to be bitter and cynical and negative but she is far from those things. Lucy Smith once said this about her daughter in law Emma 

"  I have never seen a woman in my life, who would endure every species of fatigue and hardship, from month to month, and from year to year, with that unflinching courage, zeal, and patience, which she has ever done; ..."

My Mom has had her fair share of hardships and heart break and has carried herself with such grace! I honestly have no idea how she does it and when I ask her she is of course extremely humble and doesn't even realize just how Amazing and beautiful and important she is!! How many Mothers would leave their home for 6+ weeks not once but twice to take care of her daughter and new baby? My Mom has this amazing ability to Love so unconditionally and so fully that she inspires me! She has so much love to give and she is so willing to give it!!

Growing up I can maybe count on one hand how many times my Mom yelled at us in anger and if she did it was serious!!! Like we probably said something super sassy and rude! She was always willing to tuck me in at night read me a story usually "the magic grinder" :) and I asked her to read me a story even when I was in high school! And she thought I was kidding but I wasn't and she got a book "princess and the pea" and laid next to me in bed and read it to many. There was many talks we had about friends, boys, life and anything and everything. She was my best friend! She knew she was my Mother and when I needed a best friend she was there and when I needed a mom she was there. 

I am so lucky to have been raised by such a wonderful woman. Cheri Call says it best  in her song she...

"She is not the picture on the magazine
She's the woman just behind you at the checkout stand
She may appear to be common but she mystifies
In all the ways the wisest men and children understand
'Cause she has eyes that sparkle with her love
And she has a smile that's as gentle as a dove
And no woman from a movie or an ad could ever hope to be
As beautiful as she

She is not a highly honored diplomat
Held responsible to lead the world to peace
But what she does is every bit as serious
Amidst the turmoil everywhere that will never cease
'Cause she has hands that wipe the tears away
And she has a voice that makes everything O.K.
And no woman from the papers or T.V. could ever hope to be
As indispensable as she

And it breaks my heart every time I see her wonder
If she means anything in this world that pulls her under
And she doesn't always see the way that Heaven smiles above her
That's the reason I try to always tell her that I love her

'Cause she may not be known for giving millions
To the charities and auctions on the news
But I believe she's given more than anyone
In all the times she's ever had to choose
To give up sleep to rock her children every night
And give her heart to always hold their dreams so tight
And the best that you or I could ever hope to be
Is as wonderful as she
And the best that you or I could ever hope to be
Is as wonderful as she"

Mom thank you for being you. Wonderful, patient, kind, loving, sweet, happy, funny, strong, courageous, beautiful You! I would be lost without you! Thank you for being such a great example to me. Thank you for my life! I love you with all of my heart! I'll love you forever I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my mother you'll be! :) 

Happy Mother's Day!

Mommy Daughter Date

So Thursday's Lance usually doesn't have to be at the clinic till 3 so today I took K with me to SAMs club just her and me! 

It was the first time we had a mommy daughter time outside of the house! I forget how easier it is to me now to just take 1 kid to the store! We had a blast! After wards we shared a frozen yogurt and she loved it! A bunch of old ladies walked by saying how cute she was. She was sitting on top of the table and I was sitting in front of her and she kept giving me hugs and kisses and then started feeding me the frozen yogurt! It was adorable! I love spending one on one time with her! She's been throwing tantrums and screaming and hitting sister a lot so we are trying to figure out what to do and Lances mom suggested taking just her somewhere to spend mommy and K time together! I have been extra careful and mindful about giving her attention and helping her use words or signs to communicate! And the last 3 days she's been super great with Baby Em and less screaming!!:) I'm hoping it continues to improve as we figure out how to communicate to each other where we both understand what she wants! But I feel like we are in the right direction! I just wish I got a picture of our date today! Oh well these will have to do 

Sisterly love

K was taking selfies:)

So much to do!!

The past few weeks I have had so much to do!! Adjusting to having 2 kids is harder than I thought and I thought it would be tough!!  I feel like a failure as a mom though I am just starting to feel like I got it all together and then bam I'm back at square one! I have done a poor job prioritizing my time and I feel awful about that! I have noticed that if I'm nursing I have my phone with me checking emails fb Pinterest IG ect... And it's just to much! I'm not paying enough attention to Emily or Kensley when I do that! So I am going to only check that stuff at naptime and either early morning before they wake or after bedtime. 

I want to blog more and fb less I feel like I need to spend less time on my phone/iPad and more time in my scriptures and playing with my girls!! These baby blues have got to go!!! I need to make a change! 

So now that I got that off my chest hlheres a few pictures of my sweethearts

Sisters love in pictures