Faith in the Lord's Timing

It's no surprise I'm very open with my blog. I have blogged about my highs and my lows our infertility struggles our miracles. So here is another raw blog about us. It's a novel so bare with me if you want.

July of this year we were pleasantly surprised to find out I was pregnant. I was a little nervous because our sweet Emily (19 months) has yet to sleep through the night. However Lances Grandma did energy work on her and no joke she has been sleeping 5-6 hour stretches! Amazing! So I was feeling a lot better about it. I found a midwife and our due date April 1st 2016! Which made us laugh! We had our first ultrasound beginning of August and found out our due date and ultrasound dates were off I wasn't as far along as we thought so repeat ultrasound in a week ( My heart knew this wasn't going to be a healthy pregnancy) so at the next ultrasound no baby was seen but growth and a yok sac was there then hcg levels were drawn and repeat ultrasound finally a baby was found! No heat beat but levels were rising on the low side.. So another Repeat ultrasound no heart beat again and no growth. Which means I was going to miscarry again for the third time I know many woman who have had more than that and it doesn't get any easier getting that news. My midwife gave me two weeks to see if my body would naturally start the process of aborting. so the waiting game began and that same day we left for holbrook for my nieces baby blessing. I figured after Labor Day weekend I would look into taking blue cohosh. Well my body had other plans Saturday it started and by Monday "Labor Day" I woke up at 4am with contractions  hard painful ones and so it began. First off my in laws are amazing and I feel so blessed to have them. It wasn't the ideal situation but they watched my kids and my girls were playing with cousins and I was able to take it easy and Lance was a trooper seriously I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him. He was such a help to me even in the grossest of times and always treated me with tenderness and understanding and love. He truely is beyond amazing and wonderful and I am so glad he and I get to walk through this life together hand in hand. I don't understand Heavenly Fathers Timing.. I don't know why I had to lose two babies before getting my sweet Kensley and then Emily but I know I grew so much and learned so much about myself and my relationship with my husband and my savior. I don't know why I got pregnant when we were preventing for it only to end in losing that baby. But I don't need to know right now because the past has taught me that one I will survive this and dwelling on the questions I can't get answers for only lead me to bitterness and depression and that's just not me. I have been down that road and I don't like it at all. Life is too short for me to go into that long lonely road so I chose light. And love. Two I know with out a doubt the Lord is looking out for me and is  aware of me and my sweet family. I know we go through hard times so that it can help us to grow and be a better version of ourselves. So even though I would never choose this trial/test it is what it is. This already is a novel and if you are reading this still you're amazing I just wanted to get this out. I'm not one to keep things secret or not share what's going on with me. So for all who are still reading and going through a hard time in the words of elder Holland  'Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.' 

Oh the places you'll go

It's 1am in the morning and I'm sitting in my rocking chair with my beautiful 9 month old Emily sleeping in my arms it's the second time I have been up with her and if history repeats it self then it won't be the last in fact I will probably get another 2 or 3 chances to sit in the chair and hold her and some nights I am in tears exhausted wishing I could sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and some nights I blog and some nights I just FB stalk my friends and some nights I just bring her in bed next to me. (Except now I'm scared to do that since she fell off the other week...yeah I felt like the worst mom ever!) She us fine but now I'm back to the rocker and tonight it's cold and I have a lot on my mind. Which I'm sure many woman can relate to.

The last two weeks my husband has been studing for his last round of boards and this last weekend he took them! It was very long days of not seeing him and trying to keep up with a very energetic 2 year old and a I don't like to sleep much 9 month old. I was extremely nervous about these weeks to come and many times a day I found myself in my room door shut kneeling in prayer mainly for strength and patience. I am still amazed by how much my Father in Heaven is awear of me and my needs. Emily was sleeping better the weather was beautiful and made outdoor adventures/walks fun and angels dressed up like friends visited me, called, texted, and or hang out with me. I knew the only way I could survive these two weeks was if I started my week right...so I loaded the girls up for church and I'm greatful for the members and all their support and willingness to help me :) it truely takes a village! And we survived! The Lord answered my prayers!

 It's been a hard adjustment having two so close and one who doesn't like to sleep unless it's in my arms or right next to me but I know I wouldn't have it any other way. These precious girls bring so much joy into our home. The hard days much the good days that much better and I am so blessed to be their Mommy. Tonight I was putting K down for bed laying next to hear and she whispers "mama...mommy..." I whispered "what" back and she said 'I ove eww' and my heart just filled up with love and peace and joy and I kissed her forehead and said ' I love you too'  she then preceded to say mommy mama several times and state jibberish but it was super cute and I remember thinking Brittany take a mental note of this don't forget it. So hear I am it's 1:30 in the morning I'm holding my sweet 9 month old in my rocking chair blogging about her and her sister and how I know my Heavenly Father loves me. Life is busy and hard but it is so Beautiful!

My Mom...

January 20th 19....let's not worry about the year;) was the day the world was blessed to have a beautiful princess was born this beautiful princess was named Kay and that princess grew up and found her prince Larry.. She had the strength  and courage to give birth to 5 beautiful babies 1 son 4 gdaughters. I was blessed to be 1 of those daughters born to her! Some call her Kay, sister johnston, nana Kay, grandma Kay, honey,...but I get to call her Mom. I have no idea who I would be today if I didn't have her in my life. My Mom is the greatest, most loving, do anything for her family, courageous, strong woman I have ever met. She has had so much heartbreak in her life that would cause anyone to be bitter and cynical and negative but she is far from those things. Lucy Smith once said this about her daughter in law Emma 

"  I have never seen a woman in my life, who would endure every species of fatigue and hardship, from month to month, and from year to year, with that unflinching courage, zeal, and patience, which she has ever done; ..."

My Mom has had her fair share of hardships and heart break and has carried herself with such grace! I honestly have no idea how she does it and when I ask her she is of course extremely humble and doesn't even realize just how Amazing and beautiful and important she is!! How many Mothers would leave their home for 6+ weeks not once but twice to take care of her daughter and new baby? My Mom has this amazing ability to Love so unconditionally and so fully that she inspires me! She has so much love to give and she is so willing to give it!!

Growing up I can maybe count on one hand how many times my Mom yelled at us in anger and if she did it was serious!!! Like we probably said something super sassy and rude! She was always willing to tuck me in at night read me a story usually "the magic grinder" :) and I asked her to read me a story even when I was in high school! And she thought I was kidding but I wasn't and she got a book "princess and the pea" and laid next to me in bed and read it to many. There was many talks we had about friends, boys, life and anything and everything. She was my best friend! She knew she was my Mother and when I needed a best friend she was there and when I needed a mom she was there. 

I am so lucky to have been raised by such a wonderful woman. Cheri Call says it best  in her song she...

"She is not the picture on the magazine
She's the woman just behind you at the checkout stand
She may appear to be common but she mystifies
In all the ways the wisest men and children understand
'Cause she has eyes that sparkle with her love
And she has a smile that's as gentle as a dove
And no woman from a movie or an ad could ever hope to be
As beautiful as she

She is not a highly honored diplomat
Held responsible to lead the world to peace
But what she does is every bit as serious
Amidst the turmoil everywhere that will never cease
'Cause she has hands that wipe the tears away
And she has a voice that makes everything O.K.
And no woman from the papers or T.V. could ever hope to be
As indispensable as she

And it breaks my heart every time I see her wonder
If she means anything in this world that pulls her under
And she doesn't always see the way that Heaven smiles above her
That's the reason I try to always tell her that I love her

'Cause she may not be known for giving millions
To the charities and auctions on the news
But I believe she's given more than anyone
In all the times she's ever had to choose
To give up sleep to rock her children every night
And give her heart to always hold their dreams so tight
And the best that you or I could ever hope to be
Is as wonderful as she
And the best that you or I could ever hope to be
Is as wonderful as she"

Mom thank you for being you. Wonderful, patient, kind, loving, sweet, happy, funny, strong, courageous, beautiful You! I would be lost without you! Thank you for being such a great example to me. Thank you for my life! I love you with all of my heart! I'll love you forever I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my mother you'll be! :) 

Happy Mother's Day!

What really matters

I love bedtime! It's a glorious time of day. Kensley is extra cuddling and it slap happy and just all together so sweet! Tonight bath time was fun like always she loves baths and now watches while the bath fills up with excitement and squeals!! It's just down right to cute! Then it's lotion massage, Jammie's, Storytime and then off to music land of sleepy dreams. Well lance and I will either share the bedtime routine or one of us will do it completely. Tonight Daddy had Storytime and music land aka cuddle time before she gets put in her crib. I have many moments where my heart melts when I see daddy and kensley together either playing or cuddling or reading a book tonight I had to capture the moment! I hope she knows how much her daddy loves her and when she gets older I hope she realizes he has loved her for forever! I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man who treats me like a queen but also be married to such a wonderful daddy to my children! I am forever in debt to his parents for raising such an amazing person!!

Moments that take your breath away...

There are moments in my life where I stop and take a mental picture if I really want to remember something and I kid you not it works! to this day I still remember being 8ish driving on the dirt road from Young with my family and Micheal McLean song " she see's a diamond" song was playing and I was looking out the window and thought I wish this moment could last forever! *snap* that was the sound of the mental picture :) As I have gotten older its worked the same our drive back from Rocky Point Triathlon just Me and My Mama and Daddio and a storm was coming in the distance and the skies were beautiful! We just had one of the best weekends ever!*snap*  Lots of Mental pictures have been taken and I cherish all of them! My favorite Mental Picture would be my wedding day I felt like I was in a dream like this really wasn't happening cause it was just to perfect and everything was beautiful and I had the most amazing man by my side. It was one of those days that you dreamed about and saw other people enjoy and was excited but never really thought you'd be old enough to have that moment.  I'm not sure if it's because of the waiting for your day to happen makes that day sweeter but I think its a combo...A combination of the waiting for something great and having the right person / people there to celebrate with you.

The Last 11 weeks have been mental picture after mental picture after am I in a faiy tale? You have you life planned out when your young..college, marriage, babies..ect...but sometimes there is a lot of space between those events that you never thought you'd have. like It is 1512 days
( 4 years, 1 month, 22 days ) of space between us TTC to today. To some that may not be a lot and for some their space might be longer or shorter but this is Our space and those 1512 days have seen some pretty dramatic, emotional, heart breaking, wonderful, magical, sweet, bitter, beautiful days. I think its because of those flippin hard days and heartbreaking events that happened that make this day that much more sweet and wonderful. I wouldn't trade any of those days for the world because  I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for all of those 1512 days.

I got to see my sweet baby wave to me on the screen yesterday and it was so precious to see such little fingers already and I just wanted to have that moment last forever so mental picture was taken and I can't help but think that little one was saying " Hi Mom...I'm finally coming! sorry it took so long"  Its an amazing feeling when you have the perfect day not because everything went right on that day but because of where I am and who I am with that is what makes the perfect day. I actually felt like wow this is really happening I'm having a baby....I still can't wrap my mind around that but its becoming easier the more times I see the Baby.  So thank you 1512 days for everything you blessed me with. You have made this day that much sweeter.

Beautiful Heartbreak

If you have yet to see this video by Hilary Weeks Beautiful Heartbreak here is your chance.




seriously so beautiful! I love this song and the video captures it perfectly!  Read the lyrics . I love Hilary Weeks her music has always spoken to my soul and this song is no different!  One of my favorite parts is

"I used to pray he'd take it all away,
 But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground. "


I am so grateful to be where I am today and for all the miracles Heaven has shown me especially this little huge miracle thats living inside of me. 13 weeks and couldn't be more happier.

(don't mind the dirty bathroom and mirror)

A Lot Happens ...

 In A Year.

A year ago I never pictured ourselves where we are now. A lot has happened. I got my first positive pregnancy test, I got to wear my "Baby" shirt finally, I got to be pregnant at the same time with one of my best friends, I got the worse ER visit ever, and had my heart shattered and my world turned upside down with my first pregnancy loss, I got to go to Italy and visit Venice! Lance applied to Chiro School, Lance got accepted into Chiro School, I got my second positive pregnancy test and got to be pregnant at the same time as my sister and a few of my close friends, and yet again got my heart broken by the fact that I miscarried again, We moved to Texas, started Chiro School, and got a job at Dollar Tree, I also got accepted to be on season 6 Win Lose or Blog, lost over 22 pounds, and  I am Still madly in Love with my Husband...
  A lot happens in a year. A lot has happened that I wish didn't happen but because it did Lance and I have grown so much more closer and I have a deeper respect for him that words can never describe. I am grateful I have a Father In Heaven who knows me and who has not forgotten me. I know there are good things to come... even when the road may be extremly painful and hard. There is Beauty that can still be found.  Thank Goodness I have an amazing spouse to walk hand and hand with on that road even though a lot of the times I feel like he is carrying me.  So like I have many times before Mothers please hold your littles ones just a little longer tonight. Kiss them one more time before they go to bed and Hugg them just a little tighter for Me and for all the Mothers who have yet to hold their little ones. Thank You.

My Best Friend

This Is seriously the Man I never get tired of waking up in the morning to, Looking at, Laughing with, Living with, and Loving! 5 years ago this month I met this handsomest, most amazing guy ever in the little town of Thatcher, Arizona right there in the Institure Buliding to be exact lol and I never could have imagine just how Happy I would be and Married to such an amazing Person! Lance is seriously the most amazing Man! He is such a good person and so caring and thoughtful and honors his Priesthood and is SOOO GOOD LOOKIN ;) ( such a bonus! )haha but Seriously I never get tired of hanging out with him! Since we have been In Texas and I don't have a job yet we are both home together pretty much all day doing things together or doing our own things like me unpacking and Lance throws away the boxes or He will go to the store while I clean up and what not or we laugh together at something Daisy did or go to bed but end up talking and laughing all night! Thats my favorite! We tell eachother everything!! We have known eachother now for 5 years now and have been married for just over 4 and with no kids it has really allowed us to build our relationship as a couple and really get to know eachother and just have fun. Of course it all hasn't been fun the Poor guy has to deal with a very emotional wife! but He is so great and never complains at least to me about how difficult I can be :) and we have our moments like all marriages do. We have had our fair share of difficult times and heart ache with all the baby stuff but he has been so sweet and so kind during everthing rather it be flowers and a card just out of the blue or cause he knows i'm having a hard time or when he came home early from work after our last ultrasound that confirmed we had no baby anymore and brought flowers with him He is sooo considerate of my feelsing! we have grown so much closer and understand eachother a lot better I am SOOO blessed to spend Eternity with him and grow old with him. He is such an amazing Husband and friend and I know one day He will make such a GREAT Dad and our daughters will want to marry him! lol I am so lucky  Blessed to have him in my Life. I never thought you could love someone so much!