Like a ton of bricks

There are days that I am doing really good and days that are really emotional and all I can do is just try to keep myself together today was a beautiful Sunday but an emotional one too. With Aunt flow visiting and each time she has come I am extra emotional because it reminds me that I'm not pregnant anymore and then tonight I checked my emails and this pops up 

And it hits like a ton of brick. I would have known if I was carting a boy or girl by now and instead it's just me no baby to feel inside and it reminds me of 5 years ago when I was losing my first and this week marks the date of when I had an ultrasound confirm what my heart already knew. And it sucks. It hurts and I'm getting tired of crying it gives me a headache and makes my nose run yuck! But this year it's different I have 2 beautiful girls who like to say I love you mommy at just the right times 

They really do bring so much joy into our lives! I feel so lucky to have these precious spirits in my home. So even though I know it's gonna be an emotional week it will also be a great week filled with family and laughter and little girl squeals! 

Be in the moment

It's nice to be present in the moment in which you know it will be your last. 

Emily is officially not nursing it's been just over a week and it was a morning nursing session and I knew in that moment it would be out last. Tears were in full spring because all I could think was I just lost my baby ( miscarriage) and now I'm losing my baby. We won't have that moment again but I soaked it up and kissed her head and held her as she slept in my arms and thought I wish a picture could capture the emotion I am feeling. Kensley self weaned so it was a total new expirence. I feel so lucky to have had the chance to nurse her for 19 months. I didn't take a picture of our last session but I took this one because I knew I was going to be weaning her soon. I'm glad I took it! 

She is such a beauty and I can't believe how fast she is growing! Love you so much miss Emily! 

Painting adventures

So today we went to the store to pick up some kids crafts/ activity things. Got home and made lunch and Emily went down for nap very easy!!! Which was a miracle! And me and Kensley got our paint on!! She had a blast and it was so fun to see her enjoy it! 

Watch out world we got an artist in out mist! She's good. 

One year older and wiser too...

It amazes me that 3 years ago today I was in a hospital in Dallas bringing my sweet rainbow Baby earth side! I can still remember the peace and joy I felt as lance placed her in my arms with tears in his eyes. It was a long wait to get her but oh how she has been worth it! She has always had a very tender spirit about her a very curious little girl for sure!  She has loves getting into things and finding new things and she's such a happy baby! She has always been a great sleeper a great tether she's feisty and energetic and loves girly things. She LOVES her DADDy! Seriously loves him!!! Ever since Emily was born Lance has taken the role of getting up with Kensley ( cause Emily sucks at sleeping lol) and he puts Kensley to bed and this week he was sick so I needed to and she was so not happy about me laying down by her instead of her DADA! Watching there relationship over the last 3 years has been such a precious thing. Because as much as she LOVES her Daddy, Her Daddy LOvES her more! I'm so excited to see what the next year brings and how K grows and learns! I'm so blessed and feel so lucky to be her Mom. Never in my life have I felt so comfortable in a role as I have with taking on Motherhood. I'm not the perfect mom but by golly no other woman could love my Kensley more than me! ( I say woman cause well her daddy loves her too)  so Kensley Happy Birthday my precious daughter!

Butterflies and Tender Mercies

Ever since my sweet Aunt Judy passed away in February of 2012 I have seen more butterflies and in the most strange ways and places. In texas we use to go on walks me and my little one Kensley and we would seriously see 10 just flying around us during the walk. In our backyard one came and landed on me and stayed a little while and when we go grocery shopping I have seen them in the parking lot. My aunt loved butterflies and I know it's her way of telling me she is closer than I think and that she's aware of me. Well FRIDAY was our ultrasound to determine if this pregnancy was going to last and if we would hear a heartbeat. As I was sitting in the waiting room a huge black beautiful butterfly was flying by the windows and just fluttered outside for a long while and I knew it was Aunt Judy letting me know she was there and that everything was going to be okay it is what it is. And my heart knew that the news I was going to receive wouldn't be good news. But I felt at peace. Sure enough the ultrasound was done and bless the ultrasound tech heart she saw the tears in my eyes and said I'm sorry I can't say anything until I talk to the midwife and I already knew that and knew from my past that baby didn't grow and there was no heartbeat I didn't have to have the midwife tell me what I already knew and every so often my emotions get the best of me and I cry but then I put myself back to the waiting room where I saw the butterfly and felt that beautiful  peaceful feeling and then I'm better. I know the Lord has given me many tender mercies throughout all of this and I'm so grateful for them! 

Faith in the Lord's Timing

It's no surprise I'm very open with my blog. I have blogged about my highs and my lows our infertility struggles our miracles. So here is another raw blog about us. It's a novel so bare with me if you want.

July of this year we were pleasantly surprised to find out I was pregnant. I was a little nervous because our sweet Emily (19 months) has yet to sleep through the night. However Lances Grandma did energy work on her and no joke she has been sleeping 5-6 hour stretches! Amazing! So I was feeling a lot better about it. I found a midwife and our due date April 1st 2016! Which made us laugh! We had our first ultrasound beginning of August and found out our due date and ultrasound dates were off I wasn't as far along as we thought so repeat ultrasound in a week ( My heart knew this wasn't going to be a healthy pregnancy) so at the next ultrasound no baby was seen but growth and a yok sac was there then hcg levels were drawn and repeat ultrasound finally a baby was found! No heat beat but levels were rising on the low side.. So another Repeat ultrasound no heart beat again and no growth. Which means I was going to miscarry again for the third time I know many woman who have had more than that and it doesn't get any easier getting that news. My midwife gave me two weeks to see if my body would naturally start the process of aborting. so the waiting game began and that same day we left for holbrook for my nieces baby blessing. I figured after Labor Day weekend I would look into taking blue cohosh. Well my body had other plans Saturday it started and by Monday "Labor Day" I woke up at 4am with contractions  hard painful ones and so it began. First off my in laws are amazing and I feel so blessed to have them. It wasn't the ideal situation but they watched my kids and my girls were playing with cousins and I was able to take it easy and Lance was a trooper seriously I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him. He was such a help to me even in the grossest of times and always treated me with tenderness and understanding and love. He truely is beyond amazing and wonderful and I am so glad he and I get to walk through this life together hand in hand. I don't understand Heavenly Fathers Timing.. I don't know why I had to lose two babies before getting my sweet Kensley and then Emily but I know I grew so much and learned so much about myself and my relationship with my husband and my savior. I don't know why I got pregnant when we were preventing for it only to end in losing that baby. But I don't need to know right now because the past has taught me that one I will survive this and dwelling on the questions I can't get answers for only lead me to bitterness and depression and that's just not me. I have been down that road and I don't like it at all. Life is too short for me to go into that long lonely road so I chose light. And love. Two I know with out a doubt the Lord is looking out for me and is  aware of me and my sweet family. I know we go through hard times so that it can help us to grow and be a better version of ourselves. So even though I would never choose this trial/test it is what it is. This already is a novel and if you are reading this still you're amazing I just wanted to get this out. I'm not one to keep things secret or not share what's going on with me. So for all who are still reading and going through a hard time in the words of elder Holland  'Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.' 

8 years with the love of my life!

8 years today I married my best friend!  Never in my wildest dreams could I ever imagine a love like ours. I knew the moment I saw The cute guy every one was calling lance that I was gonna marry him and since that moment my life will never be the same. He has been the greatest husband I ever could have asked for and more! He has held me countless nights as I sobbed over the loss of our two babies and has made me laugh so hard I didn't know it was possible to laugh that hard. He has been there as my greatest Birthing coach during labor with Kensley and Emily I have held him as he wept for a family member. We have been by each others side from day one and he is not only a great husband to me but a wonderful father to his daughters! I still remember the look on his face when he handed Kensley to me for the first time with tears in his eyes and joy in his heart. Everyday with him is amazing even if that amazing is a hard day or rough or there was a miscommunication somewhere I wouldn't trade any of our days together for the world! I am so excited I get to be with him for eternity! Lance you still make my heart skip a beat! I love you. Always have always will! 

Life is beautiful

I can't believe it's already Mothers Day 2015!!  It's my 3rd Mother's Day where I have had the privilege of having my babies here to hold. I am still amazed I am a Mom and that I have 2 beautiful daughters! I am so grateful to be their mom. I never knew how much you could love someone and then I married my Husband and I thought wow I never knew I could love someone this much! And then I finally got pregnant after 3 years of trying and I loved that baby so much and then miscarried and I never knew you could love someone so much without meeting them and finally after 5 years I got to hold my healthy perfect newborn daughter in my arms and the love I instantly had for her was overwhelming! I never believed in love at first sight until her! And then when I held my beautiful second miracle baby in my arms at the hospital I was so amazed how much more love I had in me to give to not just this newborn but to her big sister and to her Daddy. 

I'm not going to lie this last year has been rough and has tested me and my patience and sanity and I haven't be very graceful at times with dealing with sleep deprivation and adjusting to two babies and having my husband finish his last year of school and boards and graduation and moving back home but I think because of this hard times it's made the good times that much sweeter and those hard nights of no sleep have made me appreciate not just my mother but all mothers! It's a hard role being a Mother but the rewards are far greater than anything I have ever known! I absolutely positively love and adore being A Mom. I hope this next year I can grow and be a little better each day I hope I can remember to stay in the moment more and live each day more fuller. I only have my daughters for a few years before they grow up move out get married and hopefully have a family of their own and I don't want to miss these sweet years while I'm still their favorite person who makes everything better:). Thank you Kensley thank you Emily for making me a Mom here on Earth:) I love you more than you will ever know!