November 18th at 4:15am I got 2 lines and words can't even begin to express the feeling of Joy and Happiness that over whelmed me with and I was in such disbelief that Today was the day my Dreams came true! Finally Me and Lance were going to be Mommy and Daddy to a sweet little miracle of a child. I'm not good with words or explaining storys but here goes anyways I was so excited that when I peed on a stick it was positive! so after 4 of them there was no doubt! The lines came instantly with no question as dark as they could! I was seriously in heaven. after calling in for work and going to the OB (not because of issues with pcos but because I was going to have a baby!!!) they told me I was 5 weeks and 1 day along! I was in shock! I couldn't believe it! I was so overcome with joy and happiness that I would burst into tears of Joys :) I blame it on the emotions of pregnancy. :) after telling family and their excitement and having the Best thanksgiving EVER! and finding out that one of my Best Friends was pregnant too I thought wow this is sooooooo PERFECT! almost to Perfect that I thought wow after all these years The Lord is truely blessing me ten folds! That joy of that postitive preggers test I pray my dear friends who haven't had that that they will. and soon!.
Then November 29th came. and I ended up in the ER :( had spotting and cramps. really bad cramps and I cried. I cried my Heart out. that is seriously what it felt like. I kept repeating over and over agian Baby stay with Mommy..please stay with me.. after 4 hours in the ER and no answers except that I had a UTI and that the ultrasound came back showing I wasn't as far along as They thought. They didn't think I had miscarried so I went home and just cried my eyes out and Lance held me. My gut was telling me that I needed to prepare myself for the worst. I followed up with my OB and she ordered Blood work for me and told me well either you are not as far along as we thought or you have a blighted olvum.( the fertilized egg decides to stop growing) and you miscarried. that was Dec 1. I had my blood work and then Thursday Dec 9th Dr appoint to see results for blood work and another ultrasound and I knew the moment I saw the ultrasound on the tv that my hopes and my dreams were going to be put on hold I had googled many ultrasound pictures to know what a uterus lookes like with a baby in it...and there was no baby in mine anymore. When the Dr came in her confirmed it Our little miracle decided to go back to heaven. I didn't want to post this but I didn't want to pretend it never happened. I was pregnant and it was the Greatest! But now I'm not and that is the hardest :(
Last week I was sooo mad and sooo HURT why why would the Lord bless me with such a wonderful miracle after 2 years 9 months and 18 days of TTC just to take it away! Why was he being so mean! Did he not love me. and after an EXTREMLY tough week of me crying my eyes out to the point where i thought i could refill tempe town lake I was so angry with Heavenly Father for this hurt! I never know I could hurt so bad and seriously be so said it was a chore to smile I felt numb at some points. as I was crying one day I was talking in my head just talking with the Lord asking him why he was being so mean and I couldn't understand how he could be such a loving God and then be sooo mean! I thought you must not know me or know my heart because you would have known how I prayed and wished and hoped for a little one. so you probally don't love me as much as i thought. and in that moment of doubt a scripture came to mind " Jesus wept" and a soft whisper stated He cries with you. He hurts with you. He knows your pain. and He cries with you. In that moment I knew Christ Lives. Heavenly Father Loves me. The gospel is true. That is when I knew that when I got the results from the Doc it wouldn't be good news. of course in the back of my mind I still wished and prayed for a miracle again. but it didn't come and thats sucks but it will be ok.. Life is still good. Heavenly Father loves me. more than I can ever imagine.
as hard as this has all been I feel that maybe all of this will help me be that much better of a Mother, a Wife and a Woman. I decided before this time on earth that I was on the Lords side and that we would have agency. I am just one person just a somebody but I am A Daughter of God first and formost and I am Grateful to have had the Chance to have that Ultimate Joy and Happiness even if it was but for a small moment. Christ Lives he knows our hearts he knows us and Loves us more than we can even imagine! I didn't want to have to post this but I felt that for me and for healing I needed to write my story and my feelings. I am so grateful to have Such a wonderful Husband who Loves me so much and is sooo supportive and so aware of my feelings. I don't write this because I want everyone to feel bad for me or anything like that but this weas seriously the hardest thing I have expirenced and I know that many people have had worse and my heart goes out to them and I don't mean to think their pain is not as bad as mine. But this is my story this is my expirence and this is how I felt. I needed to write this to help me heal. Miracles Happen. at the very least at least we know we can get pregnant.
So if you are reading this and you have kids, Kiss and Hug and Rock those little ones just a little bit longer for us Mothers who are waiting to Kiss and Hug and Rock our own.
